Never make the author angry
by loonygrl90
Summary: Stupid, pointless, and written at 3 in the morning. Click here if you want your time wasted. COMPLETE. But don't worry. I'm planning on writing a sequel. ::insert evil chuckle:: R&R, flames welcome.But you WILL be made fun of if you give me any...
1. Give me the pickle

**Disclaimer: If you recognize it, it's JKR's, if you don't... well, then it's mine.**

**Note: All reading from now on is a complete waste of your time. I cannot be held responsible for any missed dental appointments, bad dates, or anything else of the sort that were caused by my fic. Thank you for your time.**

**And now...**

On the bright, sunny day our story starts, Harry Potter wakes up to find the boys' dormitory bright and full of sunlight. He looks around and sees that all of the other boys have left for breakfast already, so he gets dressed and heads down to the Great Hall. He sees Ron and Hermione sitting with a seat in between them, and it looks as though they are trying to ignore each other. Harry takes the empty seat and decides to ask what is wrong.

"Hey, guys, I've been meaning to ask you... what's wrong?"

Ron looks up at him, looking as though he is about to cry.

"Her stinking cat, Crookshanks, gave me a boo-boo, but she keeps insisting that it's just a paper cut!"

Hermione rolls her eyes. "I saw him do it! He was doing his Divination homework, and he cut his finger on the parchment!"

Ron glares at her. "Well, yeah... But he made me do it! He made a scary noise and so I jumped and cut myself!"

Harry doesn't want to waste his whole morning listening to Ron's and Hermione's bickering, so he decides to go and visit Hagrid, so he can see some of the fascinating and completely harmless creatures Hagrid has in store for the year ahead. But on the way, he hears a high, cold voice coming from the Forbidden Forest.

"Oh, Harry... Come here, Harry... Come and play..."

Harry stops in his tracks. He approaches the trees nervously. "Who are you, and what do you want?"

"Come and play..." the voice says again.

"Why should I trust you?" Harry asked the voice.

"I've got Chocolate Frog cards!"

"Which ones?"

"Er... That one you don't have... and... well... Actually, I nicked the whole food trolley off the Hogwarts Express! I've got loads of stuff!"

"Awesome!"

Harry goes running into the forest, but not to find the food trolley he is expecting. Less than a foot away from Harry is none other than Lord Voldemort. He grabs Harry's arm, and with a crack, both disappear, and reappear in a plain field that seems to go on for miles.

Harry looks up at Voldemort.

"How did you do that?"

"I Apparated us out of the grounds."

"But you can't Apparate or Disapperate on Hogwarts grounds! And anyways, is it even possible for you to 'Apparate me'?"

A confused expression sets over Voldemort's face.

"I- well- we- uh-"

He looks out of the page, straight at me, and says, "Hey! Hey, you! How did we Disapparate out of the grounds?"

I look into his eyes. "I... er... didn't think about that. Oh well, just keep going!"

"Fine... idiot."

"I heard that!"

Harry clears his throat, making a remarkable impression of his former Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Deloras Umbridge.

"_Hem hem_. Can we get back to the story, please? I have to go to a D.A. Meeting in fifteen minutes."

Voldemort nods. "Yes... I'm due to have tea with Lucius... Now, where was I?"

"I think you were about to tell me why you brought me to this plain, ordinary-looking field."

"Oh, yes." He starts pacing. "Well, Harry, you were right. There is nothing special about this field. Nothing at all. I would have preferred to take you back to the graveyard near my hometown, but apparently the author was to stupid to realize that!"

I glare at the page furiously.

"I'm warning you, _Thomas_... If you say one more word, I'll have you die before the story is over! I have that power! This is my story!"

"One more word."

"That's it!" I turn toward you, the person who is actually stupid enough to have read up to this point. "Sorry, folks... Did I just give away the ending? Oh well... at least you don't know how he'll die!" I say with an evil grin.

"Er... Okay then..." says Voldemort. He obviously doesn't believe me. I almost feel sorry for him. He's clueless. "Anyway... I guess I'll just... kill you now!"

I look at Harry.

"That's your que."

"Huh?"

"This is the part where you come up with the brilliant plan to save your own butt, and kill Voldemort."

"Er... it is?"

I give an exasperated sigh, lean forward, and whisper the plan to Harry.

"Right," he says, listening intently, "Right... Okay, I think I've got it. I just have one question for you. Where does the pickle come in?"

I smile at him mysteriously. "You'll see."

Harry nods, turns back toward Voldemort, and starts yelling, pointing over Voldemort's shoulder, "Yes! It's Dumbledore! He's here, he's here!"

"Where?"

Voldemort turns around, looking very frightened, looking around frantically to see where Dumbledore is. Harry drops to his knees, takes the spare shovel that he always keeps with him out of his pocket, and starts digging a hole. He drops the shovel as Voldemort turns back again.

"I didn't see Dumbledore..."

"Look, he's right there!"

"Where?"

I let this go on for ten minutes, by which time Harry's hole is two feet deep,before I interrupt them.

"Harry?"

He looks up from his hole.

"Yes?"

"That wasn't the plan."

But at that moment, Voldemort turns around, (again,) and starts walking toward Harry furiously. Harry backs away, and Voldemort, who hasn't noticed the hole, trips and bangs his head on the shovel, killing himself. Harry goes into an annoying little victory dance, butI clear my throat and he turns back to me.

"You know," he says, "You never told me what the pickle was for."

It takes me a few seconds to figure out what he's talking about.

"Oh yeah, the pickle! Well, I figured I'd be hungry before the story was over, so I decided to have a snack ready. So... Give it to me, Harry."

Harry shakes his head. "But I'm hungry too!"

"Give me the pickle."

"No!"

And so Harry does what I fear most. He eats the pickle. Now I'm angry.

"HARRY POTTER, I WILL MAKE YOU PAY FOR THIS! YOU JUST WAIT!"

"Oh, come on... What can you do?" he says, his mouth still full.

"Famous last words," I say simply, and with that I turn off the computer.

**Okay you guys. I HAVE used spell check. I suck at proofreading. I'm doing the best I can. So give me your sympathy. And I know that everyone is out of character. That's why it's stupid. Now, if you didn't have any complaints, I suggest you read the next chapter, or better yet, push that pretty little button to review.**


	2. What's so funny?

On the bright, sunny day our story starts, Harry Potter wakes up to find the boys' dormitory bright and full of sunlight. He looks around and sees that all the other boys have left for breakfast already. He looks at me.

"Er... Why are we doing this again?"

I look back at him, trying to keep a straight face.

"You'll see."

Harry looks at me like I'm crazy. (Like that's new.) He shrugs and heads down to the Great Hall. Once again, Ron and Hermione have a seat between them, and it looks as though they are trying to ignore each other. Not wanting to start another argument, when he sits down, he simply says, "Hey, guys!"

This time they both look up at him. Hermione looks angry, and, like before, Ron looks like he's going to cry. However, both of their expressions change instantly. They burst out laughing. Harry looks from one to the other, bewildered.

"What's so funny?"

Neither of them can speak, they're laughing too hard. Several people look over to see what is so funny, and they start laughing too. Soon, the whole school is in hysterics.

"What's so funny?" Harry asks again, but nobody hears him, so he rushes out of the Hall and turns toward me again.

"Why is everyone laughing?" he asks, looking similar to how Ron did, like he's going to cry.

"You'll see," I say again. "Just do what you did last time."

"How am I supposed to do that? Voldemort's dead, remember?"

"You'll see."

"Fine!" he yells, "Don't tell me! See if I care! Can you just do me one favor, though? Can you stop saying, 'You'll see'?"

"You'll see."

"ARGH! OKAY! I'M GOING!"

I watch him rush out onto the grounds, pleased that I succeeded in annoying him. Harry makes his way down to Hagrid's hut, ready to see what Hagrid has in store for the year. But on the way, he hears a bored, drawling voice coming from the forest.

"Oh, Harry... Come here, Harry... Come and play..."

"Malfoy?"

"No, Potter! I am the Dark Lord! Come here or you shall feel my wrath!"

"Malfoy, why are you impersonating Voldemort?"

"Shut up, Potter! She's-" he points at me, "-paying me ten galleons for this! So come into the forest and be quiet!"

Harry starts laughing.

"Why should I?"

"Because if you don't, I'll tell the whole school about that time in Potions class when I saw you-"

"Okay, I'm coming!"

He runs into the forest, and as soon as he does, Malfoy starts laughing just as hard as the people in the Great Hall had. Once he gets himself under control, I reach into the computer screen and give him his gold.

"Excellent work, Draco. You may leave." Malfoy walks away, his pockets clanking. Harry looks like he's going to go mad.

"WHAT IS SO FUNNY?"

I decide to put him out of his misery. Or into it, depending on how you look at it.

"All right, I'll tell you. Look at your clothes."

Harry looks down and lets out an annoying, high-pitched scream. He starts running around, yelling, "WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?" And so Harry Potter- or should I say, _Harriet Potter_, ran up to _her_ dormitory, crying.

"YOU STILL OWE ME THAT PICKLE!" I yell after her. I can still hear her sobbing.  
And that, boys and girls, is why you should never make the author angry.

* * *

**THE END... Oh, who am I kidding? I can't stop torturing Harry! (Mwahahahaha.)**


	3. Wish Upon a Pickle

**Thank you so much to all of my reviewers! THANK YOU! **

Disclaimer: The characters and Hogwarts belong to JKR. The main ideas of this chapter belong to cliched02 and HermyGWeasley. So the only thing I own is myself, and about two words of the story. (Sorry to the other people who gave me ideas, they were all great.)

Chapter 3: Wish Upon a Pickle

I suppose you think I've tortured poor Harriet enough, right? No? Well, if you say so...

Harriet heads down to breakfast the next day, trying to act as though nothing is wrong. However, this is made difficult by the fact that, once again, most everyone is pointing, staring, and laughing at her. After a while, it is apparent that they aren't getting much joy out of this anymore, and they all go back to their food. I immediately walk over to Draco and whisper something in his ear. He nods, stands up in his seat, and clears his throat.

"I have some important information to share with you," he announces, in a voice that clearly sounds throughout the Hall, "Regarding Harry- sorry- Miss _Harriet _over here."

He looks over Harriet, and there are a few sniggers from the Slytherin table.

"A few weeks ago, as you know, we all started our classes for the year. On the day that Slytherin and Gryffindors in out year had Potions class together, I decided to go early, simply because I had nothing better to do. But when I got there-" he gives a fake shiver, "-Well, Potter was already there. He- this was before he became Harriet- was standing inside his cauldron, and... he was singing. I think it was some kind of Muggle song... I remember something like 'Where Is the Love'-"

"I love that song!" squeals Hermione Granger from the Gryffindor table. She blushes as everyone stares at her, sinks into her seat, and mumbles, "Never mind."

"It doesn't matter," I tell her, "that was basically all that everyone- er-_needs to know_. Well?" I round on the students, "What do you have to say about that?"

There are a lot of mumbles of things like, "That's not so bad," and "You obviously haven't met my brother..."

"You people are pathetic!" I cry. I look over at Harriet, grab her arm, and force her out of the Hall. When I finally stop, she grins at me.

"Your plan's not going quite like you planned, is it?"

I grin right back at her.

"You think I don't have a Plan B?" I give an evil chuckle, then call, "Oh, Paula!"

There is a loud pop, and a very beautiful girl appears out of thin air. Harriet starts drooling. I snap my fingers in front of her face.

"You're a girl, remember?" She keeps drooling. "That's disturbing. Anyway, Paula, do your stuff."

Paula nods and starts talking.

"Well, Harriet, I am your fairy godmother. I can grant you any wish, anything you want- my powers are well beyond those of a mere witch or wizard. Tell me- what would you like?"

Immediately, Harriet half-shouts, "I wish I was a boy again!"

Paula raises her wand, and with a little swish, turns into a pickle. (What were you expecting?) I catch her before she hits the ground, and bite her head off. Harriet doesn't say anything. She just stands there with a horrified expression on her face.

"It's Fred and George's newest product," I explain, "Fake Fairy Food. It also comes in Wilma Watermelon, Sarah Strawberry, and about five hundred others. But the best part is," I say, with yet another evil grin, "It comes with an extra 'wand' that can turn any person you want into a pickle- or whichever food you chose." I take the wand out of my pocket. Harriet gives (another) annoying, high-pitched scream, and- of course- I turn her into a pickle, and eat her.

I give an evil chuckle. (Is that getting on your nerves yet?) I walk up to the doors of the Great Hall, and hang up a sign, saying:

**Do you want to get out of class?  
Or do you just want to play a good prank on your friends?  
Well, come to  
WEASLEY'S WIZARD WHEEZES  
Conveniently located at 93, Diagon Alley  
**

I hang it up so that it's impossible to miss it coming into theHall.

It's the least I can do.

**THE END**

* * *

**Really this time. It's over. I ate Harry- How am I supposed to torture him? HOWEVER, I am planning on writing a sequel. I'll tell you when I do. (As of now, I have the first chapter written... but that's about it. And to warn all of you, it's a HP/AF crossover.)**


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